as far as

blogs go, i actually prefer blogger over tumblr.
its probably because i like to let out emotions via blog rather than post cool pictures and videos that people can laugh and eventually reblog.
its just weird.

and anyway, blogger is a timeline. somthing i can read and look back at and see how things have changed and how i have coped with them accordingly.
whether it was good or not.
it makes me sad, though.
nostalgic, wishing for the past.
makes me want things to have turned out differently, regretful in a sense.
i dont like that.
i dont like that when i read past posts i think about how things could have been different and how i felt at the time.

well, really there is only one thing that i think about when i read past entries.
my pathetic thoughts towards the relationship that ill wonder about, most likely, for the rest of my life.
its weird because i feel like there are so many people that i feel connected to, and that i feel like i should pursue something with.
but, there is only one person that will make the effort to remain "friends" equally as often as the thought crosses my mind.
perhaps, that means something.
perhaps, something is truly meant to happen.

perhaps, he just wants to put me in a position where im vulnerable and again, so happy that i ignore any signs of ignorance.
thats my greatest concern, after all.
i dont want to further any relationship with malcolm because i am so mortified that he will take advantage of me again.
that he will knowingly let me slip into the same sad situation.
im so scared of it. and because of it, i wont let myself get close to him.
wont let myself make any soft of effort to talk to him.
and force myself to move on.

i dont even know how this happened.
how i managed to get into this situation again, but i feel like its okay because its a fleeting feeling.
its a thought that will soon go away, though its just as likely to come back.