...

2010-02-03T00:11:00.001-08:00

what happened to my carefree, optimistic, excited self?
its making a comeback.
i want to feel as happy and confident as i did before.

as far as

2009-12-09T21:58:00.000-08:00

blogs go, i actually prefer blogger over tumblr.
its probably because i like to let out emotions via blog rather than post cool pictures and videos that people can laugh and eventually reblog.
its just weird.

and anyway, blogger is a timeline. somthing i can read and look back at and see how things have changed and how i have coped with them accordingly.
whether it was good or not.
it makes me sad, though.
nostalgic, wishing for the past.
makes me want things to have turned out differently, regretful in a sense.
i dont like that.
i dont like that when i read past posts i think about how things could have been different and how i felt at the time.

well, really there is only one thing that i think about when i read past entries.
my pathetic thoughts towards the relationship that ill wonder about, most likely, for the rest of my life.
its weird because i feel like there are so many people that i feel connected to, and that i feel like i should pursue something with.
but, there is only one person that will make the effort to remain "friends" equally as often as the thought crosses my mind.
perhaps, that means something.
perhaps, something is truly meant to happen.

perhaps, he just wants to put me in a position where im vulnerable and again, so happy that i ignore any signs of ignorance.
thats my greatest concern, after all.
i dont want to further any relationship with malcolm because i am so mortified that he will take advantage of me again.
that he will knowingly let me slip into the same sad situation.
im so scared of it. and because of it, i wont let myself get close to him.
wont let myself make any soft of effort to talk to him.
and force myself to move on.

i dont even know how this happened.
how i managed to get into this situation again, but i feel like its okay because its a fleeting feeling.
its a thought that will soon go away, though its just as likely to come back.

guh,

2009-11-18T22:59:00.000-08:00

i feel weird that im blogging, especially since its been so long.
like, maybe i should have some monumental news to inform the world of.
or maybe i should have had some serious trauma that i need to talk about in order to make myself cope better.

but no, i dont. just the same tangent as usual.
my loss of faith in anyone, my dissatisfaction with the people i have interacted with in the last few days, weeks, months.
its hard, getting to know someone and making one decision that is inevitably going to ruin everything.
and its hard, trying to be the person that you want to be and still trying to be the person you know that others would love you to.
its this constant battle between yourself and the outside world.
but who wins?
i feel like the answer lies in my unhappiness with people.
i guess in a sense, i win. but simply because im content knowing that i havent sacrificed myself for the sake of others.
but for what?
for the loneliness that emerges out of nowhere.
all of a sudden. with no warning, no capabilities to plan or prepare.

shit sucks. i cant wait to find someone that changes my mind.
wherever you are, i love you.

2009-10-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

if i wanted anything it would probably be you.

2009-09-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

in an effort to prove to myself im not alone in this city, ive suffocated myself.
ive given my brain no time think, or to collect or to remain itself.

sometimes, seclusion is the best remedy for an uncertain personality.
and im in need of it as soon as possible.

2009-09-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

sometimes secrets are timeless and romantic.

also...

2009-08-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

on the music front.
brand new has got a new cd scheduled for release on september 22, 2009.

theyve put out a new single, "at the bottom", which sounds totally different from any of the songs on their other three cds. its pretty exciting to hear them change musically, though.
each cd has a different, yet recognizable sound.
regardless of my changing music tastes and dwindling appreciation for most music similar to brand new, they will always be one of my favorites.

ive got too many memories to let them go completely.

anyway, the cd was leaked, but theres a lot of difficulty actually downloading the entire thing.
"at the bottom" is here:
http://www.myspace.com/brandnew

pretty lights

2009-08-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

so last night i went to a pretty lights show at the national.
at first, i was not planning on going because the tickets cost twenty dollars and i have absolutely no extra cash.
but all of my friends wanted me there and surprised me by buying me a ticket at the last minute. which was the most awesome thing theyve done for me in a while.

we got to the show and long, a dj that most people in richmond know personally, opened for him. which was pretty cool. he played a good set and its cool to see him getting some serious recognition.
anyway, when pretty lights came on the show turned into a huge mass of sweaty bodies dancing all over the place.
their music sounded like a mix between girl talk mashups but with more electronic sound effects.

i have to admit,though, i like pretty lights more than girl talk. in comparison, girl talk is more mainstream in the songs that he chooses to sample.
the dj in pretty lights uses less lyrics and more electro, dance-type clips, which makes it sound more original and unique.

regardless, they put on an awesome show. it was a nice weekend break from the anxiety ive been giving from school and schoolwork.

check out pretty lights here!
http://www.myspace.com/prettylights

man!

2009-08-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

every time that i get close to being interested in a person or attempting to pursue a relationship, he does something that just completely ruins it.
i mean, why do guys feel the need to show interest in girls and then just immediatly decide to stop acting that way?
if he did, in fact, intend on nothing more than a friendship then why bother acting like something more than a friend?

maybe its just me that this happens to.
its perhaps the most frustrating situation of all time.

yes!

2009-08-12T09:12:00.001-07:00

one week!

2009-08-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

yes! best friends scavenger hunt, best friends, water park!
best friends day is basically the slaughterama of the summer and im super excited.

its also the first week of school which i cant wait for. im so anxious to start classes.

maybe

2009-08-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just love everyone and i want everyone to love me.

amends

2009-07-31T01:43:00.000-07:00

i know that in a relationship or in a friendship i shouldnt always have to feel like making amends or always saying sorry is necessary.

what person came up with the idea that "love is never having to say sorry?"

because i believe that that is absolutely ridiculous.

sometimes making a relationship work means a simple apology. or it means a simple acknowledgement of his or her existence.

its hard for me to see people that i love exit my life entirely, especially if there are things i know i have done wrong.

tonight i was sitting outside with my neighbor, enjoying the summertime talking about the idea of a failed or diminished relationship.

between our conversation he had recieved a text that someone, seemingly depressed, had sent him in an effort to make things right and to hopefully make herself feel better.

and i love the idea of someone being interested in others enough to do things like that.

relapse.

2009-07-28T12:43:00.001-07:00

i want to go buy an american spirit tobacco pouch and read and sit on my balcony and think.

i really love people for their opinions.
i like that people have opinions, whether the same or different as mine, and dont care whether i agree or not.
i can truly respect a person for standing up for the way he or she feels.

it may sometimes be difficult to think about a person not being on my side, but it happens.
this week i waswatching cnn report on a story of an eight year old girl who was brutally raped by three (maybe four) boys significantly older than her.
since she came from a middle-eastern family they felt strongly about purity and virginity and maintaining good reputations.
once the incident happened, the parents werent as upset with the boys, but with the victim herself.
she was literally shunned for dirtying their familys reputation once she was considered "tainted" and no longer innocent.

it seems terrible to us, to think that she wasnt comforted after she was raped, but their culture is worlds different than ours.
obviously, we think that their ideas of what is unacceptable are ridiculous.
we dont like thinking about an eight year old girl that has had to deal with the pain of being taken advantage of in addition to her familys punishment.

but essentially, its hard to fight with them.
as the people said on cnn, its one of the most difficult situations.
theyre opinions are different.
who are we to say that they are wrong and we are right?
who am i to say that a differing opinion is wrong and mine is right?

2009-07-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

"perhaps even these things, one day, will be pleasing to remember"

sorry.

2009-06-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

i have come to the realization that i will probably be alone for the rest of my life.
if not, then for a long time.

i think coming to terms with it is best.
its okay.
honestly, i dont mind.
i would like for things to be somewhat different. but they arent.
im willing to accept it.

i have good friends and things to be happy about.
i dont want to focus on the negative things.
maybe people will realize that theyre missing out.
maybe not. i guess its irrelevant either way.
so long!

2009-06-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

the other night i had another nightmare.
even though i hate using the term "nightmare" because it sounds so juvenile, i cant really think of any other way to describe it.

in the dream, courtney and i were at school and courtney started dating all the people that i have dated or been involved with in the past.
she said that she thought i was stupid for letting them all "go" and that each guy was good for me.
but since i "didnt see it", she went behind my back, initiated the relationships, and got upset when i didnt understand her rationale.

when i confronted her about dating one specific person, she said that he was a great boyfriend to me and that she wanted to know what being treated well was like.
so she started trying to get his attention, and eventually they both wondered how i could be so selfish and keep them from being together and happy.

in an effort to keep from seeming selfish, i tried to forget about it and move on.
so we all went this strange fun house/amusement park
and i see her with everyone, enjoying the attention and presence of all her potential boyfriends that had come with us.
we walked for hours and i realized that i was standing alone.
to eliminate the embarrassment of having no one to ride the rides with, i bolt for the first seat every time and let no one sit by me.
courtney, on the other hand, has several people to choose from and of course, chooses the guy that would make me the most upset.

in the end, i decide to jump off the ride, and choose to leave the entire place, abandoning courtney and the other guys that i once knew and loved.
i see my brother, my parents and courtney all looking for me but choose to stand outside, alone.

self-improvement books.

2009-06-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

i decided that this summer is the summer of self-imporvement.
yesterday i got a book called the how of happiness and so far, so good.

it doesnt necessarily teach a person to be happy, but broadens his or her outlook and teaches a person to think more optimistically.
obviously, more optimism and less negativity gains at least a little happiness.

its interesting because the author and her other scientific happiness researchers have made a pie chart on what things affect a persons happiness and content.
basically, 10% is circumstances (rich or poor, single or married, ect.)
50% is the "set point" which is a persons genetic capacity and tendency to be either depressed or happy
and 40% is the variable percentage. leaving a person able to control that portion entirely.

and so far, summer is getting better.
a few more people have moved up and im getting really excited to start the school year.

2009-06-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

im feeling pretty all right about everything going on lately.

moving out/in, got steady paychecks coming my way, my class isnt anything i cant handle, ect.

im attempting to continue this optimism take-over.

social situations.

2009-06-02T21:56:00.001-07:00

my english 200 class might take over my life.
part of me doesnt mind.
the other part of me really hates the way that summer and this class has treated me so far.

2009-05-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

i feel really terrible that i can relate with whoever wrote this.

2009-05-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

all i can listen to lately is:

today at work a customer was complaining to his friend about how he had been "working like a dog" and was really tired and stressed lately.
another customer behind the man complaining told him that he was blessed to have a job and to be working at all in such a terrible economy.
i thought it was strangely optimistic and really sad to overhear.

orientation today

2009-05-24T04:34:00.000-07:00

im happy to be working at starbucks again.

even though i would love to stray away from large corportations such as starbucks coffee, im desperate for a job and have always loved working there.

its something im familiar with and comfortable doing.

its going to be quite a bike ride, but at least i can look forward to serious leg muscles at the end of the summer.

at this point, i think my options are slim for the month of july.

im starting to want to stay here, but ill end up being homeless for an entire month.

im starting to feel like when i get used to living alone i do something to take a lot of steps backwards towards dependency.

also, in an attempt to grow up, save money and avoid saying things i dont completely mean, i think im going to take a drinking siesta.

while it may seem easy since im not yet of drinking age, i think it will be surprisingly difficult.

but at the same time, i think im tired enough of being overdramatic, sad/superficially happy,embarrassing, ect.

i found this and i liked it.

a solid soul and the blood i bleed.

2009-05-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

"we must look at it objectively, were grown up, rational people, nothing is too serious..."
"katie! youre talking some fallen girl out of her problem. youre speaking about yourself"
"is there any essential difference?everybodys problems are the same, just like everybodys emotions"

....

2009-05-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

im really into them right now.

people read this?!

2009-05-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

p.s. i am still not finished with the fountainhead.

i have this horrible tendency to get really close to finishing a book then becoming bored with it.

im going to try finishing by the end of the week.

then moving on to freedom from the known.

i love nico.

2009-05-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

my new kitten is the cutest thing on the face of the earth.
im really surprised at myself for assuming such a maternal-like relation towards her.
i hate kids! and ive always been someone who never really wanted any for my own.
unless, theyre adopted ugandan babies.
but even in that case, im not sure i could handle it.
regardless, i love her.

this weekend im going home and celebrating my birthday three times!
im pretty excited.
strangely enough, i havent even seen my parents or brother for almost three months.
i didnt even realize it had been that long.
there were so many other things diverting my attention this entire time that i completely lost track of the days.
im losing time to my memories and my sanity.

im also still contemplating my summer plans.
its going to be a pretty important decision, i think.
i mean, it decides whether i face my life here or run to the comfort that i usually claim doesnt exist.
the relatioship that i have with my mom has always been weird, so when i think about running back to her, i cant help but question whether or not its what i really want.

i dont want to run away. there are so many people here i love.
and there are so many things im still waiting to figure out, to understand, to hear.

2009-05-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

saw this and realized how much ill miss brunswick street

good gracious.

2009-05-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

things have changed a lot.

but, i still have my best friends.

its cool that we all went through this year together.

so many things have happened to all three of us.
sometimes i felt alone, but i know that i shouldnt have.

!!!???

2009-04-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

lately ive been really interested in listening to music that evokes this sort of nostalgic, emotional feeling in my body.
i know it sounds weird, maybe even pathetic, but i like the feeling.

like, when you know that music is good. when you listen to song and get this weird, borderline creepy smile on your face because it brings back memories of when you sat with someone at the village for hours smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and laughing.
or when you sat outside of your apartment with your best friends crying over your supposed unhappiness.

or even when you hear a persons voice and it makes you think back to someone that you miss terribly and would love to be able to talk to, but cant.
thats the kind of music i can really appreciate, especially because its something that happens naturally.

i mean, when the smashing pumpkins became a band and began creating music did they think that people would feel this way about their songs?
i can only imagine it being something they only hoped for.

again, it takes me back to this idea thats been really hanging over my head lately.
this concept that we all eventually feel this certain way and for some ridiculous reason, insist on feeling alone. or coping with the help of cigarettes and 40s. or coping with a continous superficiality and slowly realizing that we are all the same.

i think

2009-04-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

that im going to try being more positive.
rather than focusing on the things that frustrate me and complaining about the stupid and rude things that people do, ill think about the good things that have happened to me.

i mean, i think that im not as optimistic as i should be because i have this internal fear that i will inevitably get taken advantage of, which is the last thing that i want.
but perhaps, by being nicer the opposite will happen.
maybe?
i just dont know.
maybe i think that people are so awful because when i think about them i focus on the terrible things theyve done, rather than the good things theyve done.
i mean, isnt it human nature to do that?
to zoom in on one specific quality in a human being rather the personality as a whole?

for instance, looking for a person to have one quality that you are immediatly attracted to or immediatly turned off by? maybe, or maybe thats just me.
i just know that lately at the end of the night, i think about how someone didnt act a certain way or didnt seem as interested as i would like him or her to be.

is that what makes me supposedly impossible to please? is that what makes me set this standard that is apparently unatainable?
i mean, i know this is probably ridiculous, but when i think about things like this i cant help but assume that there other people in the world that feel the exact same way that i do.
that are put in the same, or similar situation in some point of his or her life.

what is learning to appreciate someones personality? learning to appreciate everything he or she does?
i mean, if i did in fact think about all the nice things someone has done for me would that keep me from hating anyone? or from keeping my heart from being stomped on a million times a day?
thats my worry, my fear in being optimistic about all people all the time.

i just keep getting this idea that i need to change something about the mindset that always have about people.
maybe i just expect too much.

maybe i expect too much without revealing enough of myself first.
does anyone even know? can anyone even answer me about this concern?
perhaps i am alone in this feeling.

which again, takes me back to square one. to the worry that i had in the first place.
being alone and essentially not letting anyone make me happy.
subconciously pushing people away when in fact, i think that im the victim.

did i let malcolm cheat on me?
did i push him to the point of letting him feel like he didnt do enough for me and could never make me happy? honestly, this is something that ive never even thought about.
i hate to blame myself for someone elses mistake, but maybe i deserved it.

this weather

2009-04-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

has been beautiful.
i cant wait to spend the summer here.
being able to bike to texas beach and belle isle is the best.

this saturday is my birthday party, and im getting kind of nervous about it.
i know itll be fun, but im hoping that nothing goes wrong.
no trouble with cops, landlords, broken windows, ect.

courtney and i found two girls to rent out the apartment, so were moving out of brunswick on july first.
its exciting, but only means more tedious apartment searching.
this time, though, were going to spend more time looking and making sure were getting the best deal possible.
there are a few that look really good, but were still weighing out the options

this week im finished with all but one class, which is over may eighth.
so excited. this semester my stressing and hard work actually paid off.

i might

2009-04-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

buy myself another tattoo for my birthday.
and try out somewhere here in the 804.

maybe....
still, im getting really excited for it.
im gonna build courtney a bike for our birthday.
or least try to fund/finish it before then.

saw

2009-04-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

ratatat tonight.
and i was beyond pleased with their performance.
honestly, probably one of the best shows ive ever been to.
a good mid-week fun before i have more work,tests and responsibility!

only two more weeks of school, though.
which makes things a little better.

court and jasce and i are going to start planning our birthday party soon, which im really excited about.
its going to be nut
i want to have two people spinning and two rooms and a house full of people.
i cant wait.
everyones invited!

sad day.

2009-04-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

this morning in spanish, i texted my mom to tell her i couldnt answer her call because i was in class.
then, as i was surfing through my inbox, i noticed a text from rachel that i had previously overlooked.
it said that tom, the artist that has done all four of my tattoos and rachels one, was taking a "long vacation". a "vacation" lasting until next summer!
im really upset about it. i mean, i know there are tons of good artists everywhere and he could probably be easily replaced, but we loved him.

hes done such beautful work. and the idea that rachel was gonna get something added to tom the whale (named after him) in the near future is really sad.

no self-control

2009-04-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

im eating cottage cheese right now.
im not ready for veganism.

so last night i became sad drunk. the side of me that everyone hates to see.
its the side that no one ever really witnesses because it only happens when i just have too many things bottled up inside and i decide to drink wine on the back porch.
courtney and i ended up looking back on this year and thinking about how much our lives have changed. how many ridiculous situations weve been in. how the feeling of being taken advantage of by someone is the worst indescribable feeling imaginable.
with the school year quickly coming to a close, its nice to know that i got through it without getting arrested, pregnant, or deemed clinically insane.

maybe that sounds like things that i shouldnt be proud of, but im officially the only person in my entire family (including extended) to finish one full year of college immediately after high school without one of the aforementioned things getting in the way.
its just weird how, when i was i high school, i thought that college was no excuse for a person to change or evolve into a person different from what he or she was before.
i guess its just impossible to judge unless its happened to you.
ive had many highs, many lows, and many nights that was i humiliated for when i woke up the next morning.
some people back at home hate me now, some people from home have become better friends to me than i ever imagined.

ive met and fallen in love with so many beautiful people in richmond that id almost be content never meeting another human being for the rest of my life.
i fell in love with someone that could easily be my soulmate.
even if he wasnt, i would be happy enough knowing we had that kind of relationship once.
before all the feelings went sour. before all the outside factors became apparent and unavoidable.
my friends, though sometimes unecessarily caught up in the game of appearances, have all become my best friends, my loves.
there are so many people that are important to me; whether in chesapeake, richmond, or anywhere else i may be.

its strange that i post beginning with a non-vegan confession turned into my freshman college year reminiscence.

lately

2009-03-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

ive been seriously contemplating going vegan.
besides not eating meat, veganism's prohibition of all animal products makes it extremely difficult to abide by in everyday life.
(the only reason i havent done it already)
sometimes i think its more logical, though. why support part of the animal product industry and not all of it?
what i mean is, whats the point of being halfway on an issue that im supposed to be taking a whole-hearted stand on?

this is has been my rationale lately.
this week ill probably be thinking more about what to do.

today i rode my bike to belle isle. nice, but very scary. since my brake isnt really working right now, i was riding fixed down the downtown slopes of richmond.
im such a baby about it, too.

also, im sad to say that i missed out on the french film festival this weekend.
it was really expensive and i have no extra cash and therefore i couldnt attend.
maybe next year.
i almost made it to the reception party with all the french directors and actors that were here, but sometimes i dont think and say no without realizing the opportunity at stake.
my mistake.

hayy

2009-03-26T08:20:00.001-07:00

how on earth did it become thursday?
better yet, how did it become the end of march?

there are a lot of exciting things coming up:
weekend (that im not working!), slaughterama (haha), neko case!, ratatat!, summer and warm weather.
though today is dreary, im in a really good mood.

i feel kind of bipolar lately.

2009-03-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

last night my mom threatened to make me come back home at the end the school year.
as much as i miss a few people there, if i was forced to live there again, i would just completely break away from my family.

i could never handle that area again.
i mean, i know that at times richmond is a little ridiculous and hard to handle, but this is where i should be.
not in hickory with a bunch of spoiled, stuck up "country girls".
obviously im just going to have to wait and see what happens, but i cant help but be full of anger/sadness/ worry and about twenty other emotions all combined.

chesapeake gave me nothing but a warped view on how to live and how to be happy.

this week

2009-03-22T09:54:00.001-07:00

i think im going to start looking for another job so that ill have two over the summer.
if i save a lot before may, then i wont be nearly as poor as im expecting to be for the months of june and july.

also, this week is going to be another serious school and study week. ive got two tests and a paper and an exam to do. BRING IT.
trying to keep the optimism going throughout friday.

this weekend should be good. friends visiting, good weather and im throwing a party on saturday!
still looking for someone to spin, but thats not too major of an issue at this point.
im thinking dancey songs but throwing in a few 80s songs every once in a while.

last week was an interesting one. there were way too many weird situations that i put myself in, but oh well. i had a good st. patricks day.
everythings over and thank god!

leo is still being shy. he comes out basically only at night and to eat.
its really upsetting.

SPRING BREAK

2009-03-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

was a nice break.
i missed everyone at home so much.
and the wave, of course.
the worst part ever, though, was not being able to spend more time with rachel while there.
stupid security guards.

also, we got a new cat named leonardo!
hes still being a little shy, but has definitely opened up the last few days.

im waiting for the weather to get nicer up here so that i can ride my new bike more. seriously, im in love with it.

2:46 p.m.

2009-03-07T11:46:00.001-08:00

im sitting on my back porch, listening to neko case and reading the fountainhead (by ayn rand).

this is the greatest day ever.

thank god.

2009-03-05T15:23:00.000-08:00

i actually went to the clinic today.

turns out, i have strep throat. and have had it for a week!

i got some medicine, though, and im feeling better already.

this week is almost over and im getting more and more excited about friday the thirteenth.

itll be like the summer all over again. im so happy that things are back to normal, and that i can look forward to hanging out with rachel and everyone else, again.

itll be a perfect break from the 804.

hahaha this is eight months old!

tonight

2009-03-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

we got at least five inches of snow.
main street looked really beautiful covered in it.
and for some reason, for us snow equals chaos so courtney and i decided to walk in the middle of the street and throw snow all over the place.

we also got a new, temporary roommate.
which could potentially become a problem, but i guess we will see.
he needed a place, we had a room with two open couches and the rest is history.
only time will tell, i guess.
if anything, i think itll be nice to have someone around. someone that i can hang out with when court is (so often these days) not around.

tonight he made us delicious tofu stir fry and then cleaned the house!
it was the greatest.

class is cancelled until 11am tomorrow, but im starting to dread this chemistry exam that i have at 1pm.
just like last time, im slacking off mid-semester but im trying to learn from my mistakes and catch myself before its too late. hence, actually studying and caring that i have an exam tomorrow afternoon.

hopefully i finish my bike by the end of the week, or at least by spring break. who knew getting bicycle parts would be so difficult!
im excited, though. i mean, its something that i actually built. i get to ride around on a bicycle that was constructed by me.
and now ill have a cruiser and a single speed. im stoked to build up my bike collection.

last night

2009-02-26T11:15:00.000-08:00

i woke up from the worst nightmare that ive ever had.

it symbolized so many of my serious thoughts and worries lately that its scary.

i remember literally all of it,

down to what i was wearing and what the text that malcolm sent me said.

for some reason, ive always taken my dreams extremely seriously, so its made me do nothing but think today.

on the bright side,though, it prompted me to start writing, which is something i havent done in over a year.

im excited to be able to start back up.

man

2009-02-24T19:00:00.000-08:00

i really need to get back in the swing of work/class/studying.
the time has definitely come that im really wanting to not go at all.

thank god for spring break!
im on the lookout for some new friends right about now.
well, kinda.

i just miss the days that everyone was down to go out all the time and have tons of fun.
not just sitting at my house, watching tv.
soooo boring.

im pretty sure

2009-02-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

this is my next tattoo.

this is horrible.

2009-02-18T17:45:00.000-08:00

everytime i think that im completely over it,
something stabs me right in the heart.

i wish i was still my unattatched, free-spirited, romantic self.
sometimes i wish i never even started dating malcolm.
i just dont know what to do, anymore.
i hate to be so negative right now, but im tired of being let down.

i have

2009-02-17T13:57:00.001-08:00

stress coming at me from all sides.
still, im doing my best to forget about it.

someone come drink a 40 with me.

sunday night.

2009-02-15T20:51:00.001-08:00

listening to does it offend you, yeah?, danger, broken social scene, tears for fears.
studying for spanish, chemistry and english!

this weekend was better than it should have been.
my thigh is sore, but the sparrow looks beautiful.
we combined two sailor jerry flash pictures to combine one awesome tattoo.
im very happy with the way it turned out.
tom rulzzz.

also, my grandparents spent 200 dollars on groceries for us.
our fridge is completely full and im excited to make eggplant stacks tomorrow night.
though the las few days were nice,
i dont have high hopes this week/weekend as i have tests all week and work every night.
.....
you win some, you lose some; i suppose.

dreamer.

2009-02-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

im in my own world.
waiting for the real world and mine to collide.
for what i want to happen and whats going to happen to parallel.
when whats best for me and my desires to become the exact same thing.

when that day comes, ill be the happiest girl on earth.

tomorrow

2009-02-07T23:41:00.000-08:00

calls for good weather again and no work means im going to take full advantage.
belle isle and pbr 40s are definitely a must.

also:
sunday panda veg, hookah bar and the free japanther show at rumors will certainly make for a busy day.
the weather has put me in such a great mood.
im very excited about spending the spring on brunswick.

mezza

2009-02-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

this week i started my new job at mezza.
its this awesome family-run mediterranean restaurant on main street.
and it means the hard times are over!

it also means i can get a new, much overdue tattoo.
even though the past two weeks have been a little rough, things are definitely clearing up.

i like you.

2009-01-31T17:51:00.000-08:00

its a good thing that i have plenty of distractions.
otherwise i would probably go insane.

tonight, hibernation is over.

2009-01-27T07:26:00.001-08:00

wake me up from this nightmare.

no more parties

2009-01-20T09:02:00.001-08:00

at 19A South Brunswick.
since throwing three parties at our apartment
i got a stolen ipod, a broken window, a broken chair, a lost modem cord and a lecture from our landlords.

it makes me wonder why on earth people ever throw parties.
its stressful, messy and loud.
ive learned my lesson for sure.

2009-01-07T10:09:00.001-08:00

this week ive been attempting to learn the art of cooking tofu.
you would think it was pretty easy,
but its not!
the difficult part is not cooking it well, but making it taste like something other than a block of soy.

granted, i like the taste of raw tofu, but not when im actually working on it soaking up the flavor of something else.
alas, im going to keep trying. and hope for the best.
wish me luck.
!!!

p.s. im coming back to chesapeake soon to get a new tattoo.
so stoked.

resolutions

2009-01-05T09:37:00.001-08:00

might not be that pointless, after all.
the year is off to a good start.

we just got back from new york and it was freezing, but awesome.
back in richmond until school starts with basically nothing to do.
clean the house? go grocery shopping?

everyone needs to come back.

2009

2008-12-25T21:31:00.001-08:00

is a new year.

2008-12-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

you know, im pretty sure i hate writing in this blog.
who reads it, anyway?

just people that think i suck.
its kind of unfortunate, actually.

2008-12-19T20:03:00.001-08:00

today we left and decided to come back to chesapeake for a little bit.
my parents are going through some tough times
and the apartment is horribly cold, anyway.

the move-in on saturday went very nicely.
we finished before the sun set and had the night to enjoy the idea of living independently.
we got a 12 pack of beer taken away on vine street, but oh well.
you win some, you lose some.

2008-12-10T00:39:00.000-08:00

definitely stoked on the outcome of this first semester.

but honestly, im tired of being in school already.

thank god for this month-long break!

courntey and i are spending christmas and new years in richmond

and i cant wait.

i hear that RVA really knows how to ring in the new year.

two down.

2008-12-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

three to go.

im done with this semester thursday night.
this was by far the fastest four months of my entire life.
things have changed more than i could ever have imagined.
but finally, im the happiest and most content that ive ever been.

call me selfish, but i think that i deserve it.

december.

2008-11-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

time for:
finals, end of the semester, moving out, christmas, new york, new years, the list goes on.

there are tons of things to be excited about.

porter st. cave-in part II

2008-11-24T16:33:00.000-08:00

friday we went to a dance party on porter street thinking that it was going to be a replay of the dance party there back in september.
the one where the floor snapped because of the massive amounts of people dancing on the hardwood floors.

but unfortunately, that wasnt what happened.
it turned into a serious cluster-fuck.
cops everywhere, people all over the place, and drunken fist fights.
not to mention, some pyscho roofied courtneys drink.
i know i know, never take a drink from someone random.
but still, its weird that that kind of thing actually happens. she was all right,
just unnaturally incoherent and flirtacious. luckily, everyone realized something was
wrong and keith took her back. keith is a really great friend.

malcolm and i ended up driving everyone back and forth from home to porter. from porter to home. at least everyone got home safe.
porter will never be able to compete with the original dp that was there a while ago.

p.s. today we got the apartment on brunswick st. im so excited to move out.
mid-december ill have my own place.
i dont think its sunken in yet.

2008-11-18T23:03:00.000-08:00

i should be sleeping, but im not.

in my human societies and globalization class, we have to give a group presentation on the country of our choice.

my group picked sri lanka.

they have the coolest flag ever.

tomorrows agenda:

2008-11-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

1. check out a few more apartments; hopefully pay the deposit on the
one at marshall
2. go to work
3. drive to DC
4. escape richmond for a day and a half

this week,
i got courtneys bike stolen. i feel so horrible that it happened.
i swear, it was karma because i lied about why i was late to work that day.
i woke up ridiculously late and blamed my lateness on the theft of my back wheel.
(which didnt happen)
i hate lying, but i panicked. i guess i got what i deserved.
the story that something happened with my bike turned out to be true.

also this week: rain, code red and vodka, work, apartment searching and studying.

lastly, an update on the deck from 1305 cary:
the deck wasnt built under a permit, therefore making it an illegal addition to the house.
the plot thickens!
injuries to date: broken neck, broken hip, concussion, dislocated knee, scarred face, black eyes, and (allegedly) an amputated foot.
RVA IS 4-DPs is dangerous.

this is what ive decided:

2008-11-08T00:28:00.000-08:00

that from now on, my blog will be dedicated to stories since my move to richmond.
im not really sure who reads this, but i hope to interest at least someone in my experiences here.

to start:

tonight was first friday.
its the exciting friday in the month when broad street is devoted to art exhibits and fire-breathing unicylists.
typically, theres a big dance party that hundreds of people go to.
tonight, the DP was on cary street.
which was problem number one seeing as parties on cary usually get broken up.
anyway,
there were about three-hundred people in a THREE bedroom house; which was problem number two.
as the night went on, the music got louder, people get louder, and the balcony on the house slowly gave way.
(it wasnt meant to hold more than 15 people)
the night abruptly ended with two firetrucks, ambulances and VCU police surrounding the mound of people tangled and bleeding under a balcony that had broken off of the house.

people were hurt badly and nearly everyone injured was drunk beyond reason.
people were under the balcony, on the balcony and on the roof.
blood was everywhere, JOOSE was everywhere, and broken 40s were everywhere.
a random can of lime green latex paint flew into the air and onto everyones clothes.
it was an awful way to end a dance party.

its insane

2008-11-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

(some of the pictures came out extremely blurry)

last night was absolutely surreal.

VCU students blocked BROAD STREET until two in the morning.

we ran up and down the street and screamed and celebrated a new beginning.

this is something to be excited about.

today i witnessed the failing economy, first-hand.

people are losing jobs. people that are higly qualified, hard working people.

hahaa.

2008-10-29T20:56:00.001-07:00

i really hate the thought of getting political in a blog, but

this is too funny to keep hidden on my computer.

haha,

people are so clever!

2008-10-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

today i worked for WAY too long.

being surrounded by beads and jewelry can take a toll on a persons peace of mind.

seriously.

anyway, after work i rode home and headed to the library in an attempt to get some much needed studying done.

naturally, there was distraction after distraction and i ended up barely doing anything.

just as i began to give up on the day (and myself),

there it was.

SOMETHING TO BE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT!

the friends of the library book sale (that ended friday) has an unorganized mess of books left over between the aisles on the second floor.

and instead of cleaning it up, theyve decided to give the assorted literature away!
yes, give everything away. for free.

needless to say i walked out with plenty of reading.

my grabs included:

a dictionary of art and artists

i journalist book on invasions of privacy

"the discovery of the individual"

"the loved and the envied"

and more!

SO STOKED.

"2 men accused of planning massacre, targeting Obama"

2008-10-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

holy shit!
so, i just read about how two skinheads
plotted to kill 88 african-americans, then "drive as fast as they could towards Obama, shooting at him from the windows".

they planned on robbing homes for money, stealing guns, going on a killing spree and then assassinating obama.
i mean, i know that there are people that dont support obama

(everyones entitled to his or her own opinion) but who wants him dead?!

p.s. the two guys were 18 and 20!
a little young to be making such extravagent killing plans, dont you think?

2008-10-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

ive been so busy lately i dont know what to do with myself.

blahblahblah.

im excited for:

paycheck monday

halloween

of montreal

BULDING MY OWN BIKE

ect.

also, im quitting smoking.

no more american (free) spirits.

R.I.P

2008-10-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

angel.

you were the most beautiful cat ive ever seen.

we'll miss you.

completely

2008-10-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

emotionally worn down.
i cant act like i dont care anymore, because i do.
which is the problem.

i need a new life here.
i need to try harder to separate myself.

my tarot:
"in order to find out the truth with others, you need to be honest with yourself first. you need to seek the truth and figure out how you truly feel."
i guess its true.

sorry everyone, for my fuck you post.
sorry rachel.
maybe im a little irrational sometimes, but im done forgiving everyone.

IF

2008-10-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

youre writing missed connections
and making all these different attempts to get my attention,
why cant you just do it when were actually together??

ill never understand you.
ive gone the lonesome, dramatic, timid-boy route.
and i didnt like it.

i can appreciate honesty. and manners.
youve definitely got manners.
maybe a little honesty.

maybe we can save the world together and live in south america together one day.

good music; good writing.

2008-10-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

"things in life is either flesh or money, like they cant be both at the same time. that would be like them being both alive and dead" (rant)

rant is a book that kind of disgusts me, but i think that was palahniuk's intention.
and i can appreciate shocking, abnormal literature.
the book is like a modern-day satire, almost.

he wrote something terribly disgusting and disturbing in hopes of people rethinking certain things about themselves and societal ideals.
it emphasizes peoples obsession with life, money, status and how ridiculous it is; how people are so quick to ignore major problems and issues because theyre caught up in things are unimportant.
maybe this is why chuck palahniuk is all the rage right now.

check him out HERE----->
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO9FIRDjJTM
i guess hes got such a way with storytelling because hes a fictional writer.

coffee, cigarettes and globalization knowledge

2008-10-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

made for a really interesting night.

i like being interested in people and figuring things out.

tomorrow im going to ALL my classes and going job-searching.

im going start saving money so i can move here permanently or at least have a home here other than these disgusting dorms.

i think it will be something to secure things more and force me to balance my time better.

and i mean, theres nothing wrong some extra $$$. right??

p.s. I WANT THIS!!

The Toyger cat is a medium sized, short haired domestic cat reminescent of a toy tiger. Designed with a modern city life with humans in mind, it is an intellegent and willing companion animal, active and highly trainable. Color and markings are that of a satin toy while type suggests a big cat---long bodied and tailed, large boned and muscular, round ears, large chin-leading muzzle with broad nose tip. This cat will one day resemble a tiny, shiny toy tiger on leash or playing with the kids.

the cutest thing ive ever seen.

if i was crying

2008-10-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

in a van, with my friend,

it was for freedom;

from myself and from the land.

i made a lot of mistakes.

dont think of it as goodbye forever.

2008-10-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

its weird how people have made goodbyes such a difficult thing to do.
maybe its just the worry that things will never be the same.

maybe its the comfort of having a familiar body with you for a brief time and realizing how perfect it is.

maybe its just something that people werent meant to have to do.

we'll miss you, indianians.

blah

2008-09-29T16:09:00.001-07:00

belle isle tonight was absolutely beautiful.

the weather here is basically perfect. maybe a little on the cold side, but i still love it.

im starting to feel like im honestly making a life here.

the more time goes on, the less i look back.

p.s. pics from 1117 grace st.

last night someone asked me:

2008-09-28T18:35:00.001-07:00

"why would you like your heart being pulled in two directions?"

i said:
"i dont know. i just love joose and uncertainties."

science vs. romance

2008-09-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

"facts versus romance you go and call yourself the boss
but we're not robots inside a grid text versus romance
you go and add it all you want
still we're not robots inside a grid. "

jenny lewis is a beauty.

<------------

(like gator)

seriously, the song totally is an illustration of modern-day enlightenment thinking.
the whole "reason vs. emotion" conflict.

readings in literature for you:
even when people during the Renaissance were trying rationalize everything out, they satirized the fact that emotion would always inevitably rule.
even when people try to think things over theyll always go with the
emotional decision.
check out:
CANDIDE by VOLTAIRE or....
GULLIVERS TRAVELS by JONATHAN SWIFT

2008-09-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

this definitely, definitely not ok.
isnt there something telling you that there is something wrong with the situation?

yeah, i highly doubt it.

p.s. anyone want a cut copy ticket??

i really love

2008-09-25T15:25:00.001-07:00

rain, good conversation, unexpected texts.

it makes things here even better.

but, i miss gator!

gahhhh, hes such a beauty.

the other thing i miss:

its weird how drastically things have changed in a matter of one and a half months.

p.s. DANCE PARTY TONIGHT

CUT COPY TOMORROW

DANCE PARTY SATURDAY

!!!

"do you believe in soul mates?"

2008-09-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

sorry, but i dont think i do.
i think that maybe its an excuse to be able to hope that something will pan out eventually.
that in the midst of broken hearts, pointless feelings and worries every human being will find complete happiness at some point.

optimism at its finest?(definition: optimism is an outlook on life such that one maintains a view of the world as a positive place)
everything counts.
every small fucking detail.

everbody wants to rule the world.

2008-09-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

today i went to all my classes.

and it felt great!

needless to say i feel very accomplished.

i cant wait to be an english teacher. its one thing that i know will make me happy.

ill get cool presents like this BEST TEACHER patch

<---- for teacher appreciation week. and gift cards to starbucks! AND i can leave the state of virginia and have a job anywhere i want.

p.s. bluegrass show or no blugrass show? im not sure whether i should go or not.

i do love

BANJOS!

something interesting about banjos:

The banjo is a stringed instrument developed by enslaved Africans in the United States, adapted from several African instruments.[1] The name banjo commonly is thought to be derived from the Kimbundu term mbanza. Some etymologists derive it from a dialectal pronunciation of "bandore", though recent research suggests that it may come from a Senegambian term for the bamboo stick used for the instrument's neck.

for a minute i lost myself.

2008-09-23T18:07:00.000-07:00

i think its stupid that a title for a blog is required. maybe i dont want to name it all the time!

what else i think is stupid:

people not being straight up.

nothing to do

having pbr with nothing to do!

right?

there are lots of other things i think are stupid, but im not going to elaborate.

because it doesnt matter.

dear weekend,

please hurry up. i dont mind that the camping plans fell through. and i dont mind about cut copy, either. ive gotten used to strange situations and im positive that i can handle it.

this whole thing just one-hundred percent weird. weird like

the obvious sexual tension between Hollywood siblings

<------------ jake and maggie gyllenhaal.

i mean, they act like theyre dating!

p.s. i dont hate anyone. and i hope that everyone stops giving me a reason to WANT to hate them very soon.

im here with all of my people!

2008-09-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

go listen to the presets.

<-----i mean, look how awesome they are!

soooo australian. (much like theyre headlining band: CUT COPY!)

check em out!

p.s. i really like richmond today.there are a handful of things i miss about chesapeake, but today, richmond is perfect. i like it. i also like honesty and nice teeth.

<--------------- a diagram of teeth.

what a cool picture.

p.s. soul garage tomorrow at STICKY RICE. the hippest place in richmond. ive got no clue who they are but the description mentioned DISCO. of course im there!