i have come to the realization that i will probably be alone for the rest of my life.
if not, then for a long time.
i think coming to terms with it is best.
its okay.
honestly, i dont mind.
i would like for things to be somewhat different. but they arent.
im willing to accept it.
i have good friends and things to be happy about.
i dont want to focus on the negative things.
maybe people will realize that theyre missing out.
maybe not. i guess its irrelevant either way.
so long!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
the other night i had another nightmare.
even though i hate using the term "nightmare" because it sounds so juvenile, i cant really think of any other way to describe it.
in the dream, courtney and i were at school and courtney started dating all the people that i have dated or been involved with in the past.
she said that she thought i was stupid for letting them all "go" and that each guy was good for me.
but since i "didnt see it", she went behind my back, initiated the relationships, and got upset when i didnt understand her rationale.
when i confronted her about dating one specific person, she said that he was a great boyfriend to me and that she wanted to know what being treated well was like.
so she started trying to get his attention, and eventually they both wondered how i could be so selfish and keep them from being together and happy.
in an effort to keep from seeming selfish, i tried to forget about it and move on.
so we all went this strange fun house/amusement park
and i see her with everyone, enjoying the attention and presence of all her potential boyfriends that had come with us.
we walked for hours and i realized that i was standing alone.
to eliminate the embarrassment of having no one to ride the rides with, i bolt for the first seat every time and let no one sit by me.
courtney, on the other hand, has several people to choose from and of course, chooses the guy that would make me the most upset.
in the end, i decide to jump off the ride, and choose to leave the entire place, abandoning courtney and the other guys that i once knew and loved.
i see my brother, my parents and courtney all looking for me but choose to stand outside, alone.
even though i hate using the term "nightmare" because it sounds so juvenile, i cant really think of any other way to describe it.
in the dream, courtney and i were at school and courtney started dating all the people that i have dated or been involved with in the past.
she said that she thought i was stupid for letting them all "go" and that each guy was good for me.
but since i "didnt see it", she went behind my back, initiated the relationships, and got upset when i didnt understand her rationale.
when i confronted her about dating one specific person, she said that he was a great boyfriend to me and that she wanted to know what being treated well was like.
so she started trying to get his attention, and eventually they both wondered how i could be so selfish and keep them from being together and happy.
in an effort to keep from seeming selfish, i tried to forget about it and move on.
so we all went this strange fun house/amusement park
and i see her with everyone, enjoying the attention and presence of all her potential boyfriends that had come with us.
we walked for hours and i realized that i was standing alone.
to eliminate the embarrassment of having no one to ride the rides with, i bolt for the first seat every time and let no one sit by me.
courtney, on the other hand, has several people to choose from and of course, chooses the guy that would make me the most upset.
in the end, i decide to jump off the ride, and choose to leave the entire place, abandoning courtney and the other guys that i once knew and loved.
i see my brother, my parents and courtney all looking for me but choose to stand outside, alone.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
self-improvement books.
i decided that this summer is the summer of self-imporvement.
yesterday i got a book called the how of happiness and so far, so good.
it doesnt necessarily teach a person to be happy, but broadens his or her outlook and teaches a person to think more optimistically.
obviously, more optimism and less negativity gains at least a little happiness.
its interesting because the author and her other scientific happiness researchers have made a pie chart on what things affect a persons happiness and content.
basically, 10% is circumstances (rich or poor, single or married, ect.)
50% is the "set point" which is a persons genetic capacity and tendency to be either depressed or happy
and 40% is the variable percentage. leaving a person able to control that portion entirely.
and so far, summer is getting better.
a few more people have moved up and im getting really excited to start the school year.
yesterday i got a book called the how of happiness and so far, so good.
it doesnt necessarily teach a person to be happy, but broadens his or her outlook and teaches a person to think more optimistically.
obviously, more optimism and less negativity gains at least a little happiness.
its interesting because the author and her other scientific happiness researchers have made a pie chart on what things affect a persons happiness and content.
basically, 10% is circumstances (rich or poor, single or married, ect.)
50% is the "set point" which is a persons genetic capacity and tendency to be either depressed or happy
and 40% is the variable percentage. leaving a person able to control that portion entirely.
and so far, summer is getting better.
a few more people have moved up and im getting really excited to start the school year.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
social situations.
my english 200 class might take over my life.
part of me doesnt mind.
the other part of me really hates the way that summer and this class has treated me so far.
part of me doesnt mind.
the other part of me really hates the way that summer and this class has treated me so far.
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