what happened to my carefree, optimistic, excited self?
its making a comeback.
i want to feel as happy and confident as i did before.

as far as

blogs go, i actually prefer blogger over tumblr.
its probably because i like to let out emotions via blog rather than post cool pictures and videos that people can laugh and eventually reblog.
its just weird.

and anyway, blogger is a timeline. somthing i can read and look back at and see how things have changed and how i have coped with them accordingly.
whether it was good or not.
it makes me sad, though.
nostalgic, wishing for the past.
makes me want things to have turned out differently, regretful in a sense.
i dont like that.
i dont like that when i read past posts i think about how things could have been different and how i felt at the time.

well, really there is only one thing that i think about when i read past entries.
my pathetic thoughts towards the relationship that ill wonder about, most likely, for the rest of my life.
its weird because i feel like there are so many people that i feel connected to, and that i feel like i should pursue something with.
but, there is only one person that will make the effort to remain "friends" equally as often as the thought crosses my mind.
perhaps, that means something.
perhaps, something is truly meant to happen.

perhaps, he just wants to put me in a position where im vulnerable and again, so happy that i ignore any signs of ignorance.
thats my greatest concern, after all.
i dont want to further any relationship with malcolm because i am so mortified that he will take advantage of me again.
that he will knowingly let me slip into the same sad situation.
im so scared of it. and because of it, i wont let myself get close to him.
wont let myself make any soft of effort to talk to him.
and force myself to move on.

i dont even know how this happened.
how i managed to get into this situation again, but i feel like its okay because its a fleeting feeling.
its a thought that will soon go away, though its just as likely to come back.

guh,

i feel weird that im blogging, especially since its been so long.
like, maybe i should have some monumental news to inform the world of.
or maybe i should have had some serious trauma that i need to talk about in order to make myself cope better.

but no, i dont. just the same tangent as usual.
my loss of faith in anyone, my dissatisfaction with the people i have interacted with in the last few days, weeks, months.
its hard, getting to know someone and making one decision that is inevitably going to ruin everything.
and its hard, trying to be the person that you want to be and still trying to be the person you know that others would love you to.
its this constant battle between yourself and the outside world.
but who wins?
i feel like the answer lies in my unhappiness with people.
i guess in a sense, i win. but simply because im content knowing that i havent sacrificed myself for the sake of others.
but for what?
for the loneliness that emerges out of nowhere.
all of a sudden. with no warning, no capabilities to plan or prepare.

shit sucks. i cant wait to find someone that changes my mind.
wherever you are, i love you.

if i wanted anything it would probably be you.

in an effort to prove to myself im not alone in this city, ive suffocated myself.
ive given my brain no time think, or to collect or to remain itself.

sometimes, seclusion is the best remedy for an uncertain personality.
and im in need of it as soon as possible.

sometimes secrets are timeless and romantic.

also...

on the music front.
brand new has got a new cd scheduled for release on september 22, 2009.

theyve put out a new single, "at the bottom", which sounds totally different from any of the songs on their other three cds. its pretty exciting to hear them change musically, though.
each cd has a different, yet recognizable sound.
regardless of my changing music tastes and dwindling appreciation for most music similar to brand new, they will always be one of my favorites.

ive got too many memories to let them go completely.

anyway, the cd was leaked, but theres a lot of difficulty actually downloading the entire thing.
"at the bottom" is here:
http://www.myspace.com/brandnew

pretty lights

so last night i went to a pretty lights show at the national.
at first, i was not planning on going because the tickets cost twenty dollars and i have absolutely no extra cash.
but all of my friends wanted me there and surprised me by buying me a ticket at the last minute. which was the most awesome thing theyve done for me in a while.

we got to the show and long, a dj that most people in richmond know personally, opened for him. which was pretty cool. he played a good set and its cool to see him getting some serious recognition.
anyway, when pretty lights came on the show turned into a huge mass of sweaty bodies dancing all over the place.
their music sounded like a mix between girl talk mashups but with more electronic sound effects.

i have to admit,though, i like pretty lights more than girl talk. in comparison, girl talk is more mainstream in the songs that he chooses to sample.
the dj in pretty lights uses less lyrics and more electro, dance-type clips, which makes it sound more original and unique.

regardless, they put on an awesome show. it was a nice weekend break from the anxiety ive been giving from school and schoolwork.

check out pretty lights here!
http://www.myspace.com/prettylights

man!

every time that i get close to being interested in a person or attempting to pursue a relationship, he does something that just completely ruins it.
i mean, why do guys feel the need to show interest in girls and then just immediatly decide to stop acting that way?
if he did, in fact, intend on nothing more than a friendship then why bother acting like something more than a friend?

maybe its just me that this happens to.
its perhaps the most frustrating situation of all time.

yes!

one week!

yes! best friends scavenger hunt, best friends, water park!
best friends day is basically the slaughterama of the summer and im super excited.

its also the first week of school which i cant wait for. im so anxious to start classes.

maybe

sometimes i just love everyone and i want everyone to love me.

amends

i know that in a relationship or in a friendship i shouldnt always have to feel like making amends or always saying sorry is necessary.

what person came up with the idea that "love is never having to say sorry?"

because i believe that that is absolutely ridiculous.

sometimes making a relationship work means a simple apology. or it means a simple acknowledgement of his or her existence.

its hard for me to see people that i love exit my life entirely, especially if there are things i know i have done wrong.

tonight i was sitting outside with my neighbor, enjoying the summertime talking about the idea of a failed or diminished relationship.

between our conversation he had recieved a text that someone, seemingly depressed, had sent him in an effort to make things right and to hopefully make herself feel better.

and i love the idea of someone being interested in others enough to do things like that.

relapse.

i want to go buy an american spirit tobacco pouch and read and sit on my balcony and think.

i really love people for their opinions.
i like that people have opinions, whether the same or different as mine, and dont care whether i agree or not.
i can truly respect a person for standing up for the way he or she feels.

it may sometimes be difficult to think about a person not being on my side, but it happens.
this week i waswatching cnn report on a story of an eight year old girl who was brutally raped by three (maybe four) boys significantly older than her.
since she came from a middle-eastern family they felt strongly about purity and virginity and maintaining good reputations.
once the incident happened, the parents werent as upset with the boys, but with the victim herself.
she was literally shunned for dirtying their familys reputation once she was considered "tainted" and no longer innocent.

it seems terrible to us, to think that she wasnt comforted after she was raped, but their culture is worlds different than ours.
obviously, we think that their ideas of what is unacceptable are ridiculous.
we dont like thinking about an eight year old girl that has had to deal with the pain of being taken advantage of in addition to her familys punishment.

but essentially, its hard to fight with them.
as the people said on cnn, its one of the most difficult situations.
theyre opinions are different.
who are we to say that they are wrong and we are right?
who am i to say that a differing opinion is wrong and mine is right?

"perhaps even these things, one day, will be pleasing to remember"

sorry.

i have come to the realization that i will probably be alone for the rest of my life.
if not, then for a long time.

i think coming to terms with it is best.
its okay.
honestly, i dont mind.
i would like for things to be somewhat different. but they arent.
im willing to accept it.

i have good friends and things to be happy about.
i dont want to focus on the negative things.
maybe people will realize that theyre missing out.
maybe not. i guess its irrelevant either way.
so long!

the other night i had another nightmare.
even though i hate using the term "nightmare" because it sounds so juvenile, i cant really think of any other way to describe it.

in the dream, courtney and i were at school and courtney started dating all the people that i have dated or been involved with in the past.
she said that she thought i was stupid for letting them all "go" and that each guy was good for me.
but since i "didnt see it", she went behind my back, initiated the relationships, and got upset when i didnt understand her rationale.

when i confronted her about dating one specific person, she said that he was a great boyfriend to me and that she wanted to know what being treated well was like.
so she started trying to get his attention, and eventually they both wondered how i could be so selfish and keep them from being together and happy.

in an effort to keep from seeming selfish, i tried to forget about it and move on.
so we all went this strange fun house/amusement park
and i see her with everyone, enjoying the attention and presence of all her potential boyfriends that had come with us.
we walked for hours and i realized that i was standing alone.
to eliminate the embarrassment of having no one to ride the rides with, i bolt for the first seat every time and let no one sit by me.
courtney, on the other hand, has several people to choose from and of course, chooses the guy that would make me the most upset.

in the end, i decide to jump off the ride, and choose to leave the entire place, abandoning courtney and the other guys that i once knew and loved.
i see my brother, my parents and courtney all looking for me but choose to stand outside, alone.

self-improvement books.

i decided that this summer is the summer of self-imporvement.
yesterday i got a book called the how of happiness and so far, so good.

it doesnt necessarily teach a person to be happy, but broadens his or her outlook and teaches a person to think more optimistically.
obviously, more optimism and less negativity gains at least a little happiness.

its interesting because the author and her other scientific happiness researchers have made a pie chart on what things affect a persons happiness and content.
basically, 10% is circumstances (rich or poor, single or married, ect.)
50% is the "set point" which is a persons genetic capacity and tendency to be either depressed or happy
and 40% is the variable percentage. leaving a person able to control that portion entirely.

and so far, summer is getting better.
a few more people have moved up and im getting really excited to start the school year.

im feeling pretty all right about everything going on lately.

moving out/in, got steady paychecks coming my way, my class isnt anything i cant handle, ect.

im attempting to continue this optimism take-over.

social situations.

my english 200 class might take over my life.
part of me doesnt mind.
the other part of me really hates the way that summer and this class has treated me so far.