!!!???

lately ive been really interested in listening to music that evokes this sort of nostalgic, emotional feeling in my body.
i know it sounds weird, maybe even pathetic, but i like the feeling.

like, when you know that music is good. when you listen to song and get this weird, borderline creepy smile on your face because it brings back memories of when you sat with someone at the village for hours smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and laughing.
or when you sat outside of your apartment with your best friends crying over your supposed unhappiness.

or even when you hear a persons voice and it makes you think back to someone that you miss terribly and would love to be able to talk to, but cant.
thats the kind of music i can really appreciate, especially because its something that happens naturally.

i mean, when the smashing pumpkins became a band and began creating music did they think that people would feel this way about their songs?
i can only imagine it being something they only hoped for.

again, it takes me back to this idea thats been really hanging over my head lately.
this concept that we all eventually feel this certain way and for some ridiculous reason, insist on feeling alone. or coping with the help of cigarettes and 40s. or coping with a continous superficiality and slowly realizing that we are all the same.

i think

that im going to try being more positive.
rather than focusing on the things that frustrate me and complaining about the stupid and rude things that people do, ill think about the good things that have happened to me.

i mean, i think that im not as optimistic as i should be because i have this internal fear that i will inevitably get taken advantage of, which is the last thing that i want.
but perhaps, by being nicer the opposite will happen.
maybe?
i just dont know.
maybe i think that people are so awful because when i think about them i focus on the terrible things theyve done, rather than the good things theyve done.
i mean, isnt it human nature to do that?
to zoom in on one specific quality in a human being rather the personality as a whole?

for instance, looking for a person to have one quality that you are immediatly attracted to or immediatly turned off by? maybe, or maybe thats just me.
i just know that lately at the end of the night, i think about how someone didnt act a certain way or didnt seem as interested as i would like him or her to be.

is that what makes me supposedly impossible to please? is that what makes me set this standard that is apparently unatainable?
i mean, i know this is probably ridiculous, but when i think about things like this i cant help but assume that there other people in the world that feel the exact same way that i do.
that are put in the same, or similar situation in some point of his or her life.

what is learning to appreciate someones personality? learning to appreciate everything he or she does?
i mean, if i did in fact think about all the nice things someone has done for me would that keep me from hating anyone? or from keeping my heart from being stomped on a million times a day?
thats my worry, my fear in being optimistic about all people all the time.

i just keep getting this idea that i need to change something about the mindset that always have about people.
maybe i just expect too much.

maybe i expect too much without revealing enough of myself first.
does anyone even know? can anyone even answer me about this concern?
perhaps i am alone in this feeling.

which again, takes me back to square one. to the worry that i had in the first place.
being alone and essentially not letting anyone make me happy.
subconciously pushing people away when in fact, i think that im the victim.

did i let malcolm cheat on me?
did i push him to the point of letting him feel like he didnt do enough for me and could never make me happy? honestly, this is something that ive never even thought about.
i hate to blame myself for someone elses mistake, but maybe i deserved it.

this weather

has been beautiful.
i cant wait to spend the summer here.
being able to bike to texas beach and belle isle is the best.

this saturday is my birthday party, and im getting kind of nervous about it.
i know itll be fun, but im hoping that nothing goes wrong.
no trouble with cops, landlords, broken windows, ect.

courtney and i found two girls to rent out the apartment, so were moving out of brunswick on july first.
its exciting, but only means more tedious apartment searching.
this time, though, were going to spend more time looking and making sure were getting the best deal possible.
there are a few that look really good, but were still weighing out the options

this week im finished with all but one class, which is over may eighth.
so excited. this semester my stressing and hard work actually paid off.

i might

buy myself another tattoo for my birthday.
and try out somewhere here in the 804.

maybe....
still, im getting really excited for it.
im gonna build courtney a bike for our birthday.
or least try to fund/finish it before then.

saw

ratatat tonight.
and i was beyond pleased with their performance.
honestly, probably one of the best shows ive ever been to.
a good mid-week fun before i have more work,tests and responsibility!

only two more weeks of school, though.
which makes things a little better.

court and jasce and i are going to start planning our birthday party soon, which im really excited about.
its going to be nut
i want to have two people spinning and two rooms and a house full of people.
i cant wait.
everyones invited!

sad day.

this morning in spanish, i texted my mom to tell her i couldnt answer her call because i was in class.
then, as i was surfing through my inbox, i noticed a text from rachel that i had previously overlooked.
it said that tom, the artist that has done all four of my tattoos and rachels one, was taking a "long vacation". a "vacation" lasting until next summer!
im really upset about it. i mean, i know there are tons of good artists everywhere and he could probably be easily replaced, but we loved him.

hes done such beautful work. and the idea that rachel was gonna get something added to tom the whale (named after him) in the near future is really sad.

no self-control

im eating cottage cheese right now.
im not ready for veganism.

so last night i became sad drunk. the side of me that everyone hates to see.
its the side that no one ever really witnesses because it only happens when i just have too many things bottled up inside and i decide to drink wine on the back porch.
courtney and i ended up looking back on this year and thinking about how much our lives have changed. how many ridiculous situations weve been in. how the feeling of being taken advantage of by someone is the worst indescribable feeling imaginable.
with the school year quickly coming to a close, its nice to know that i got through it without getting arrested, pregnant, or deemed clinically insane.

maybe that sounds like things that i shouldnt be proud of, but im officially the only person in my entire family (including extended) to finish one full year of college immediately after high school without one of the aforementioned things getting in the way.
its just weird how, when i was i high school, i thought that college was no excuse for a person to change or evolve into a person different from what he or she was before.
i guess its just impossible to judge unless its happened to you.
ive had many highs, many lows, and many nights that was i humiliated for when i woke up the next morning.
some people back at home hate me now, some people from home have become better friends to me than i ever imagined.

ive met and fallen in love with so many beautiful people in richmond that id almost be content never meeting another human being for the rest of my life.
i fell in love with someone that could easily be my soulmate.
even if he wasnt, i would be happy enough knowing we had that kind of relationship once.
before all the feelings went sour. before all the outside factors became apparent and unavoidable.
my friends, though sometimes unecessarily caught up in the game of appearances, have all become my best friends, my loves.
there are so many people that are important to me; whether in chesapeake, richmond, or anywhere else i may be.

its strange that i post beginning with a non-vegan confession turned into my freshman college year reminiscence.