i think

that im going to try being more positive.
rather than focusing on the things that frustrate me and complaining about the stupid and rude things that people do, ill think about the good things that have happened to me.

i mean, i think that im not as optimistic as i should be because i have this internal fear that i will inevitably get taken advantage of, which is the last thing that i want.
but perhaps, by being nicer the opposite will happen.
maybe?
i just dont know.
maybe i think that people are so awful because when i think about them i focus on the terrible things theyve done, rather than the good things theyve done.
i mean, isnt it human nature to do that?
to zoom in on one specific quality in a human being rather the personality as a whole?

for instance, looking for a person to have one quality that you are immediatly attracted to or immediatly turned off by? maybe, or maybe thats just me.
i just know that lately at the end of the night, i think about how someone didnt act a certain way or didnt seem as interested as i would like him or her to be.

is that what makes me supposedly impossible to please? is that what makes me set this standard that is apparently unatainable?
i mean, i know this is probably ridiculous, but when i think about things like this i cant help but assume that there other people in the world that feel the exact same way that i do.
that are put in the same, or similar situation in some point of his or her life.

what is learning to appreciate someones personality? learning to appreciate everything he or she does?
i mean, if i did in fact think about all the nice things someone has done for me would that keep me from hating anyone? or from keeping my heart from being stomped on a million times a day?
thats my worry, my fear in being optimistic about all people all the time.

i just keep getting this idea that i need to change something about the mindset that always have about people.
maybe i just expect too much.

maybe i expect too much without revealing enough of myself first.
does anyone even know? can anyone even answer me about this concern?
perhaps i am alone in this feeling.

which again, takes me back to square one. to the worry that i had in the first place.
being alone and essentially not letting anyone make me happy.
subconciously pushing people away when in fact, i think that im the victim.

did i let malcolm cheat on me?
did i push him to the point of letting him feel like he didnt do enough for me and could never make me happy? honestly, this is something that ive never even thought about.
i hate to blame myself for someone elses mistake, but maybe i deserved it.